Browneyes Plan to Retain Garrett
In response to the request of browneyes superstar defensive linemen Myles Garrett comments about the direction of the franchise, GM Andrew Berry has come forward to select media outlets to highlight his strategic plan of action that he is going to vigorously execute this off season in preparation for a successful season next year. The eight point program highlights what Berry seems to value, and an ivy league approach to crafting a winning football team, fostering a culture of excellence.
The Josh Gordon Scared Straight Program
In partnership with browneyes on again off again legend, Josh Gordon, Berry plans to implement a scared straight program to keep his team off drugs. This program will be designed by a man with extensive experience, and will be one that prioritizes real life experience and experimentation in the approach. When asked for comments, Berry said “Exposing the team to drugs now, in a controlled environment is going to be the most beneficial for their growth. We have to risk getting them hooked, to make sure they don’t get hooked at any point in the future.
Rename all of the mile markers in the city with a Y instead of an I, so they will be aptly named Myles Markers
If you aren’t a local at the Cleveland City Council meetings, you wouldn’t be privy to the knowledge that Andrew Berry is a superfan. He spends his free time mulling over the zoning rulings, saying “he just can’t get enough” of what he calls, free entertainment. That expertise allowed him to expertly cut through all the bureaucratic red tape, and propose a solution to Myles Garrett's lack of visibility in C-town. Andrew got with his senior legal correspondents and drafted a motion to edit the names of all mile markers in the cycle of cleveland, renaming them to Myle Marker to appease the frustrated star. This is simply a play to appeal to the shy star’s vanity. Myles justly believes that he is the greatest defender of all time, but lacks some of the same privilege of the greats. When pressed for quotes, Myles said that having a local unit of measure renamed for him would be special but it should have happened years ago, indicating the player still has a chip on his shoulder for how other NFL stars have been treated relatively speaking. The one that comes to mind is Brown's iconic return man, Josh Cribbs who had an MTV show named after him.
Team Sponsored Steroid Program
It's no secret as an NFL fan that watching the Browneyes this year left something to be desired. They simply lacked the juice that a city sponsored team of violence inflictors, should. Andrew Berry has proposed a team wide mandatory steroid program that will return the browns to their violent glory. We believe this is a step in the right direction, and while all NFL teams informally have a steroid requirement, the formalization of this rule internally shows how serious Berry is about winning. He has even partnered with Roger Goodell to provide kickbacks in the form of cash in exchange for silence on the matter of failed drug screenings.
Get Myles a woman
It's no secret that Myles remains a bachelor and has for much of his career as a Cleveland Browneye. The science is simple about this one, women, for pro athletes, tend to act as a pacifier. They add little to the already incredible lives of these gods amongst men, however they do add a bit of stability as well as a nagging sense of doubt amongst the players that make them easier to control. We learned during the Watson fiasco, that simply controlling for the male urges as they come was a losing strategy and that commitment was a necessary component of the formula. Watson, unfortunately had his essence drained from a plethora of succubi ultimately resulting in a loss of all football ability and knowledge.
Pick Swap, similar to derivatives in the options market- buy puts on the third round picks of other teams
Berry, who has been known throughout the league as an innovator, has done it yet again. He plans to buy financial instruments that serve as an insurance plan for the people he chooses not to pick. He, in partnership with some hedge fund buddies he met at Harvard, has created the first draft pick derivative contract. He plans to use the money to buy the entirety of the third round, sending all teams that pick 2 million dollars in cash in exchange for the right to buy the player for the price of a third round pick at some point in the future. He knows talent evaluation isn’t his strong suit, but there is someone, somewhere that will hit a third round homerun in this draft, and he wants to be there to capitalize on the foresight of that underpaid individual. They can’t all be homeruns, but the right to trade away a current pick for a player that has had time to develop and is legitimately an NFL player could prove to be the smartest thing in this post.
Halftime orange slices
The team has in the past favored the analytical approach and has gotten too complex in their execution of the game. Berry plans to go back to his roots with this one and believes that, from his own experience, orange slices were always motivating, and were also a nutritious yet not tummy ache inducing way to fuel for the second half of play.
Trade Back
The Browns plan to trade back in this year's NFL draft citing their past success with that tactic. Why ruin a good thing, said Berry.
After revealing his plan to the media, Berry dropped the mic, and shouted “Excelscior” while giving a salute to those in attendance.
